You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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