I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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