i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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