Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
