Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
