My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
