I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
