I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
