3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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