My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
