Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
