your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What a dumb baby whore.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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