OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
