Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
