then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
