I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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