I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
