I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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