Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
