I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
