I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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