If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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