I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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