i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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