It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
