Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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