Do you still have your period?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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