if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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