it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
