watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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