Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
