I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
