I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
