Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
