just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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