tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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