I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
