Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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