I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He shit in the fireplace
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
