im six kinds of drunk right now
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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