My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize