I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
