saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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