so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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