So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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