Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
