I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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