mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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