Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
