but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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