I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
