I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
