I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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