i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
