almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
