I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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