hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
