im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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