Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
