words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
