Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Is it penis luge time yet?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
