as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
