I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think my moral compass just broke
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
