Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
