Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish i was in the wii world.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
