GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
